Tuesday, June 9, 2015

The Soccer Mom's Survival Guide: What no one tells you but you need to know if your child plays soccer at any level!

It's soccer tryout season. Did you know that?  Yep.  Otherwise known as hell week for soccer parents everywhere.  

It seems as good a time as any to write this post (which could turn into a novel) as my gift to soccer parents who might be, like I was, clueless.  I had NO IDEA how big, how political, how competitive (not just for the kids, but the freakin' parents!), how expensive, and how all encompassing time consuming, as in sacrifice your weeknights and weekends for soccer season, this game can be.  

Wherever you are in the soccer "pyramid", it is my hope something here helps you. I sure wish I had this information years ago!  Read on to get the low down on try-outs.   What to ask and when to ask it! 

The early years

When my eldest son first wanted to play soccer, I was all for it. He was six years old, full of energy, and it seemed a good channel for that energy.  The benefits of playing a team sport go beyond the physical and I wanted to foster both physical activity and being a team player.  

His younger brother naturally followed in his footsteps, starting town recreational soccer at age 5.

For several years they played town soccer. They were adorable in their too long T-shirts that looked like mini dresses and they wore them proudly.  The commitment was two nights a week in the fall for an hour.  The first half hour was "practice" and the second half hour was a "game."  It was fun to watch.  The kids for the most part loved it.  The parents were proud and happy their kids were active and happy. 

The coaches were parent volunteers who may or may not have had any personal soccer playing or coaching experience.  It was about the basics and having fun.  Anyone could play and anyone was welcome.  It was clear a handful of kids had some natural talent for running, kicking/scoring, and being able to control the ball at their feet, but it was raw talent, yet to be "developed" (important soccer word). Just getting the kids to run in the right direction and pay attention for 30 minutes was hard enough!  Of course, it was an "everyone gets a trophy" situation at the end of the blissfully short 2 month season.  Let me tell you, we have too freaking many trophies the kids no longer care about!

There is soccer beyond town rec?!

I did not realize there was anything other than town soccer when they were young. How blissfully naive I was...

Then, my older son asked to play in a multi-town league.  Essentially the same level of play, or maybe a notch above, but it really all depended on the skills of the players on any given team and the skill of the coach in teaching them the basics of the game.  It meant a little more driving to surrounding towns for games and the practices were one town over instead of in our town, but it was manageable. 

How age groups are determined

When my younger son was U9 (soccer team age groups are indicated by a "U" for "under" and a number indicating the age group, so U9 is made up of primarily 8-year olds. The cut off is typically you have to be under 9 years old as of August 31st.  Some teams/leagues use birth year instead.  Some kids can "play up" to an older age bracket, especially if they are skilled, but they do not "play down" to a younger group.  

A slippery slope: Club soccer

My son played with a friend whose father was the coach for his town rec/multi-town rec club.  A fellow soccer mom, the wife of that coach, asked me if my son would like to try out for a new elite team being formed in the area.  Elite team?  What does that mean? Try outs?  Seems serious.  Do I want to go down that road?  Does my son? I didn't even know that road existed, nor was I aware of the turns and twists and hidden hazards it holds.  I sure the hell wish I did...

"Okay", I said.  We went.  He tried out.  He was identified as having some raw talent and being very coachable (another key soccer word).  He was pegged as striker (the one whose primary job is to score). Note:  That's not the position he plays now, but at the time, he was suited to it.

The team was put together and the coach worked with him and several other core players over the next 4 years to create a high level highly skilled team.  The coach was amazing.  He wanted to teach the boys how to play futbol, not soccer.  He taught them the importance of physical conditioning, the fundamental foot skills, the mental aspects of the game, and how to work together as a team.  He was far less interested in winning than he was in developing these boys into skilled players who shared his passion for the game.  He made it fun.  He worked them hard.  He really cared about these boys and took their development as soccer players and his responsibility in doing so very seriously.  He did it for years without getting paid for his time, or certainly not getting paid what he should have been. They loved him.  Over the years, they bonded not only as a team, but as friends.  

Turns out this is rare in coaches.  In their U 11 season, they were undefeated and won their league championship. To top it off, they won it by playing solid futbol and being overwhelmingly nice boys. They didn't play "dirty", they played the game with their hearts and their heads and their feet.  They were passionate for the game, and it showed.

In their U 12 season they merged with a bigger elite club with the promise of access to better coaching, fields, competition, and amenities.  That was a double edged sword.  We had the opportunity to travel (at our expense) to Barcelona, Spain, to train with coaches there for a week, and compete with the future Barcelona players.  Holy crap, those kids were AMAZING, but what a once-in-a-lifetime experience for the boys who were selected and able to go. 

About the time my youngest started with that coach and new team, my older son took a few years off. He had been a field player and was good at it but he did not have a passion for it.  He came back to it 3 years ago, as a goalkeeper (a position he had also played before), seeing the level of coaching and level of play his brother was getting.  It reignited his desire to play.

We were going to try outs and waiting for call backs or contract offers for both boys.  Oh. My.  Head. Oh.  My.  Pocketbook.

Now, with both boys playing on club teams, instead of the $40-$100 to play in the town league, we were talking thousands of dollars per child to play on a high level travel team with former college, semi-pro, and professional players as coaches and consultants.  We were driving further and my evenings and weekends were all lost to soccer.  I seriously could not work a full time job and get them where they needed to be, yet I need that salary to pay for it! Nuts!

My older son tried out for an Academy team, and shockingly was offered a position.  It was eye-opening in so many ways, and not necessarily good ones... More on that later.

Wait, what?  How did we go from a non-competitive, friendly level of play, to highly competitive and tremendously expensive club teams that include crazy amounts of travel, high team fees, crazy expensive uniforms, tremendous costs for equipment that gets worn out (or lost) quickly, and hours and hours of driving to/from practices and games.  Most every night and every weekend sacrificed to soccer.  For a full 9 months out of the year!

And thus, I decided to write this guide.  

Over the years I have learned so much about how soccer works in this country, at least in our area, and how much no one tells you. I really thought the coaches would keep us informed of progress, opportunities for growth, and true appropriateness of the child and their skill to the team -AKA how much playing time are they actually going to get on this team and do they even really belong on this team?  

Heads up

Your child is not guaranteed ANY game time despite what you pay!  

The alphabet soup of soccer

There are many levels of play, even within each club and those levels may mean something different club to club.  "Select", "elite", "premier", "championship", "select", "united", and "athletic" are some of the cryptic names given to teams that play in different leagues or to differentiate the level of skill and competitiveness of a given team within a given club.  They are not the same from club to club.  

There are also many different clubs with many different coaching philosophies, styles, and expectations for both their coaches and players.  It's an alphabet soup. MAPLE, NEP, ECNL, NPL, pre-Academy, Academy, District Select, ODP, and it goes on, somewhat related to your geographic area. 

So here goes:Soccer mom (and dad) 101


Starter Soccer

Starter soccer is typically the local town soccer team.  It typically begins at age 5 or kindergarten.  It's meant to be an introduction to soccer, what the basics are (kick the ball from one net to the other and try to get it in the net), and a fun way to exercise. Most of the coaches are simply parent volunteers, many with little or no personal soccer experience.  

Note to parents who think they have a a future professional player:  The point here is not to make future world cup players, it's about fun.

The cost of starter or town soccer is usually less than $100 and includes a uniform of a T-shirt and maybe socks and shorts. You are responsible for purchasing all other equipment including cleats, extra socks, shorts, shin guards, and any other equipment your player wants or needs.  Most of the time it's a 2 or 3 evening a week commitment for an hour that includes a half hour of practice and then mini "games". Most towns play either in spring or fall, but some play both seasons.

Club soccer

Club or travel soccer can mean a bunch of different things.  

Club teams are often called travel teams because their games are played in locations other than the town in which you live.  This requires travel to another town to play a good number of games.  How far that travel is depends on the club you join and what league they play in.

Club soccer fees vary tremendously. My boys have played on a local club team (surrounding 5 or 6 towns) that cost a mere $150 for a season (included shorts, game shirt, and socks) as well as larger clubs affiliated with European teams or with highly experienced and credentialed coaches that cost upwards of $3000/year not counting uniforms and additional equipment like cleats and goalkeeper gloves which add up over the course of the 9-12 month season.  Yes, that's right, it's now nearly year round for most of these clubs!

Club soccer can offer tremendous opportunity for good coaching, a higher level of competition, true player development (but that is not universal and really depends on the coach and philosophy of the club), and access to resources you might not get elsewhere, especially if you don't know to look or ask for them.

Club soccer is tryout based. Most coaches are looking for three things:  general fitness, skill level within the position you play or want to play, and coachability.  

Sadly, I've learned for some club teams, it's also about the business aspect, because club soccer is a very serious business.  Some clubs will roster nearly twice as many players as they need to pad their bench and their wallets, and not all coaches give all the kids equal game time.  Some kids will get none or just a few minutes a game as a sub.  While this may come to be expected at very high levels of competition for the older teenage kids, when this happens to younger kids, it's unfair to them and their development.

Most club teams play 9 months a year, competing in the fall and spring seasons, with winter training or futsal leagues (indoor soccer on a hardwood floor) and this is variable depending on the team and what facilities are available.  Your kids will play in all kinds of weather.  Hot, cold, rainy, snowy, brutally cold and freezing wind.  The only thing that will usually cancel a practice or game is thunder and lightning or a full out blizzard.  My kids have had outside practices through the winter in New England, with snow on the ground (they plow turf fields and have lights) and wind chills in the single digits as coaches threw ice melt on the sidelines and parents sat in their cars. 

Tournaments

Club teams typically also play in several tournaments each year, and these are almost universally over long holiday weekends like Columbus Day, Labor Day, and Memorial Day.  Expect to play on the minor holidays and Mother's Day and Father's Day as well. They may also have games the Saturday before a Sunday holiday (as in the Saturday before Easter) or the Monday of a long holiday weekend.  Games are often scheduled on the weekends of school vacation weeks as well and practices typically still happen. This is not unusual. 

Tournaments are fun, but they usually are multi-day events with more than one game per day, several hours apart. You basically can expect to spend the day (and weekend) wherever the tournament is.  Bring appropriate clothing, blankets or rain gear, your camera, snacks and drinks, and a camp chair.  Some people bring coolers and some form of shade.  Many teams make a day of it setting up a pop up canopy, creating a pot luck sign up, and making it a fun day for all the teams playing for that club that day. The kids not playing at any given time will watch the other games to support their club mates and perhaps observe a different level of play.

For the younger age groups, club tournaments are fun and offer different competition than they might normally get during their regular games.  There is usually a playoff for the final four in each age group with a trophy/cup for the team that wins the tournament for each age group and medals for the players.  No longer does everyone get a trophy. In club oriented play, only the best team at the end of the tournament or end of the season gets the medal or trophy.  As it should be. 

For the U 16 age groups and above, the tournaments are called college showcases.  Instead of playing for medals and trophies, they play with the hopes one of the many college soccer coaches in attendance see them play and approach them about potentially playing for their school in college.  It's tremendously competitive, but a great way to be seen my multiple college coaches in one place. I'll talk more about the college ID process a bit later.

While club soccer can be fiercely competitive, not all clubs are.  You need to do your homework and try out for several before making a choice. There are many things you need to take into consideration when deciding which team to play for, I will address these later.

School based soccer

Most of the time, playing for your school does not start until middle school. High school play can vary tremendously depending on the skill of the players any given year and the coaching.  Typically there are 3 levels of high school teams, Freshman, Junior Varsity, and Varsity.  It is try out based and like club teams, a focus on fitness as much as raw skill in the position you play matters.

Try out 101

Once you've decided which level of soccer your child wants to play, they have to go through the try out process. Tryouts can be challenging for both player and parent.  The player can be nervous and it can be hard to stand out when there are literally 50-100 other kids there at the same time.  

Most teams require tryouts be anonymous.  So although you typically register and provide a waiver, the player is asked to dress generically (no identifying club information on their attire, just a pair of black shorts, white T-shirt, and black soccer socks for example) and they are given a numbered pinney or a number to pin on their shorts to identify them to the coaches evaluating them.  

Most teams also require all their current players to also attend tryouts.  This is for two reasons.  First, so new potential players are "competing" with the actual players they are likely to play with if chosen, but also because they need to earn their spot each season. Just because they played on the team this year does not in any way guarantee they'll be invited back next year.  There could always be a better player for that position who comes along.  The coaches typically want to win, not just keep the kids they've always had because they are "good kids."  This is a harsh reality of the game, but it's true of any competitive sport.

For the teams that require try outs, typically any higher level club team (elite, premier, championship are suffixes that give you a clue), they are usually held right after the spring season ends.  That usually means the first week or two in June. Sometimes, these try outs conflict with practices, especially for Academy level teams or those in playoffs, as they tend to go later in June.

Try outs require you to do your homework, BEFORE JUNE if possible, to find out what clubs you and your child are interested in, where they are, what the level of play is like, and where there games are played.  Knowing this before you go to a try out helps you eliminate teams that are not compatible with your child's ability, time, or geographic area. 

You can search for youth soccer, elite soccer, club soccer, or some other similar terms to try to find out about the teams in your area if you don't know the names of the club teams.  Most every club has a website.  You can also ask around.  Although to be honest, some parents don't share what teams their kids are trying out for, even with their good soccer mom friends, especially at higher levels, because the competition is so fierce, they want to give their child a better chance. 

Around here, most of the club teams hold 2-3 nights of try outs and encourage kids to come to more than one to allow for the coaches to get a good look at them. Some clubs, especially the higher level teams, may only hold one night of try outs.  Most of the try outs are the same length as a typical practice would be and may vary by the age of the group.  Most are 90 minutes for the club teams. 

The most annoying thing is that the clubs all also typically have their try outs the same week! This makes it really difficult to try out for more than 2 teams! 

Insider tip:  

If you have a strong interest in one or two clubs, consider finding out who the coach is of the team your child would be playing on next season.  Contact the coach in late April or early May and express your interest in their team. Ask if your child could attend practice one or two nights as guest player. This gives both your child and the coach a low pressure opportunity to see how your child might fit in with that level of team, and for the coach to evaluate them before try outs.  It ensures the coach's attention will be on your child, and not 50 children at a general tryout. 

This may result in an offer to play well before try outs begin and eliminate the need to attend try outs at all. Of course I recommend you only do this for teams you have a strong interest in for if you get an offer prior to try out season, they'll want you to act on it or risk losing that offer to another player come the official try outs.


Finding out where the team practices is also key, as you will spend far more time at practices than you will at games. Be wary of the general "in the area" sort of response. Also be warned, clubs can and may change the location(s) of practices at any time during the season without warning.  I know of more than one team that moved practices from a half hour drive for some parents to over an hour away in the middle of the season.  Time of practice can also be an issue.  A 5 or 5:30 pm practice time on a weeknight, especially if you have a substantial drive, could be virtually impossible for a working parent to manage.

Once the try out is complete, you wait.  The coach will usually meet with parents briefly at the end of try outs to notify you of when and how those who have been selected will be informed of their offer to join the team.  The next 24-48 hours can be stressful for some parents and players, especially if they are really invested in playing for a particular team.  Most offers will come within a day or two of the tryout.  You may also get a callback instead of an offer.  This is a good thing, for it means your child is on the "bubble" and they are still considering them, but want a second look, and may be deciding between your child and another player for the same position.  

Not all tryouts are position based

If your child plays midfield, and the coach needs a defender or forward and thinks your child would do well in that position, that may be their intent with an offer to play.  If you don't ask specifically, you may not know that and your child may be disappointed that they were not selected to play the position they thought they were. Not all kids care about their position, but many do, and not all coaches assign positions to the kids. Some prefer to move them around so they become more well-rounded players or to figure out who plays best in what position as they develop.  My boys have both played several positions throughout their soccer careers, both settling into a favorite and best position around U 12/13 after several years of play.

One thing you typically won't find out about is cost until you get the contract offer.  These are typically contracted positions.  Once you sign up, you've agreed to pay the full amount.  If you sign up and end up hating the team and want to leave, you can, but you don't get any money back (save for maybe a season ending injury early on).  They can also be expensive, costing thousands of dollars per season for club tuition alone! 

The clubs usually want a response and an immediate down payment if you accept the offer and within 24-48 hours of the offer being given.  If you do not respond or wait too long, they can, and may offer the spot to someone else while you are "thinking about it". Their goal is to fill their roster and get parents/players to commit quickly, before they have time to talk themselves out of it or sign on with another team.  If you don't hear back from them for 3 or 4 days, your child was probably not their first choice, but their first choice said no.  That is not necessarily a bad thing, just something to be aware of.

You can ask for more time to decide, especially if your child still has other tryouts to attend or if you are on the fence between two teams, but it may not be granted. You really have to to go in knowing what team your child prefers to play for and be ready to say yes or no to any offers to play.

Most clubs offer a payment plan for tuition, but it's usually front loaded so the first payments are higher and the entire season is typically paid for by December for a season that lasts August to June.  Some clubs offer scholarships or monthly payments over the entire season, but you should ask about it as early as possible.  The process may take longer for discounts and scholarships, and you still have to make a decision on a team to play for now, often before you receive word on the scholarship being granted.

Do your homework!  Parents and players!

Aside from being armed with all the above information, there are many questions you should consider asking in order to be fully informed about what you are getting into.  Especially if this is your first experience with a large club organization.  There can be a lot of surprises, more so for parents, so it's best to understand what you are actually signing up for.  The commitment, politics, and expense involved really demands you ask questions.  I wish I knew these things years ago.  

Questions to ask BEFORE you sign that contract, or maybe even try out!

Knowing what questions to ask before you agree to have your child play for any team, can help minimize surprises and help you make a decision that is practical in every way.  

Be wary, not all coaches are 100% truthful when providing information or answering questions, and may omit information that you did not specifically ask about (or outright withhold information or even lie) that could significantly impact your child's experience with the team and game time.  Things also can and do change.  A better player may come along after your child's been offered a position and told they'll start, and suddenly and without warning, your child is merely an occasional sub.  

  1. How often are the practices?
  2. When are the practices?  Time of day?  
  3. Where are the practices?
  4. How long do practices last?
  5. Are practices mandatory? Is there a penalty for missing a practice?
  6. What league does this team play in?  If you can, check the stats for the team at the league website.
  7. What is this team's win-loss record?  This may or may not be important to you but a team that plays at the highest level and loses most of their games will move down a level next season.  Likewise, a team that does really well may move up a division next season.  Coaches don't usually share this information, especially the moving down part!  This impacts the level of competition the team will face.
  8. Where are the games played? How far/long will I need to travel?
  9. What is the cost to play for the year and what does it include?
  10. For far away games (out of state), will there be a team bus or will I have to drive (or fly)?  
  11. What other costs might I expect to incur (tournaments, hotels when travelling, travel expenses, etc.)
  12. Is transportation provided for travel out of state/distant games, or is the parent responsible for that?
  13. What day are the games on? Will it change at all or are they all on the same day of the week?
  14. Is the cost of the uniform included in tuition? If not, what is the cost? (many kits as they are called can cost several hundred dollars and the entire kit is required to be purchased). What # jersey will my child have?  (this is typically assigned by the coach, be sure you know before you order the uniform!)
  15. What can I expect this to cost me? Is there a payment plan?  What if I decide the fit is not right or my child gets injured, is there a refund policy?
  16. Will my child play every game?  How much game time can I reasonably expect them to see?
  17. Is my child able to play any other sport or for any other soccer team?
  18. What position will my child play?  
  19. What is the experience of the coaches? Are they certified? How long have they coached this age group/level?
  20. Did they play soccer and at what level?  
  21. Are the coaches CPR and First Aid certified or is there a trainer at all the games and practices? Is there an AED in the coach's possession, at the practice fields, and at all game locations? If not, are you willing to work toward getting one?
  22. What education and support is available for players and parents?
  23. What is a typical practice like?  (foot skills, drills, fitness/strengthening, scrimmages, psychology)
  24. What is the coaching style?  
  25. How many coaches/assistant coaches are there?  Are they both/all at every practice and game? If not, what can I expect?
  26. Do you assign "homework"?
  27. Do the coaches coach any other teams? (college, other age groups) 
  28. How early do players need to arrive before a game for warm up typically? (some say 15 min, some say an hour!  This will factor into your time commitment.)
  29. What is your policy on parents vocalizing during the games?  (shouting, coaching from sidelines, saying your child's name in praise or instruction, etc)
  30. How many teams play in this club and at what levels?
  31. Is there an opportunity for moving to a higher or lower level team if my child shows they would be better suited to those teams? Can it happen mid-season or do they need to wait until try out time?
  32. Do you provide player evaluations?  When?  Is any feedback given to the player and parent on a regular basis?
  33. When are try outs and where?
  34. If my child can only make one try out, is that going to hurt their chances?
  35. My child wants to play for their school team or another recreational team, is that problem?
Uniforms

Uniforms may or may not be included in the club tuition and depending on the required "kit", uniforms can cost anywhere from $200-500 per season.  Many clubs use the same kit for 2 years, then the uniform styles or colors change and everyone must buy a new kit.

What's in a uniform kit?

What is required will depend on the club.  Many of the clubs are affiliated with European or MLS teams, so the uniforms often bear the name or emblem of the parent or affiliate club.  There is some debate, but this likely increases cost. The uniforms are also typically well made tech material by either Nike or Adidas.  Whichever it is, many clubs forbid wearing anything on the field that is made by any other manufacturer. So if your club is affiliated with Nike and you have Adidas shorts, socks, hats, whatever, you cannot wear them on the field.  I am currently in the middle of a switch from a team that used Nike to one that uses Adidas. Thankfully, my son is also in a huge growth spurt, so much of his Nike gear he will outgrow by the fall season! 

Speaking of growing, when ordering your kit, plan for growth!  Buy it for the end of the season!  What fits them well in the fall may be waaaaay too small by spring!  You've got 9 months to play!

A typical mandatory uniform kit contains the following items and all items have the team logo on them  Jerseys have your child's number on the back:

  • Practice uniform (shirt, shorts, socks)
  • Home uniform (shirt, shorts, socks of one particular color)
  • Away uniform (shirt, shorts, socks of a different color)
  • Warm up gear (warm up pants and jacket)
  • Backpack
Other uniform gear needed, but not included in the mandatory kit.  These items can substantially increase the cost to play, with many items needing to be replaced more than once per season due to growth, wear, or because they lose them! 
  • Cleats (expect to purchase at least 2 pair per season, plus indoor or futsal shoes for winter)
  • Shin guards
  • Soccer ball
  • Goalkeeper gloves if your child is a keeper. Expect to purchase a pair at least every season. They are not cheap! 
  • Winter hats and field gloves for outdoor play in cool and cold weather
  • Extra socks
  • Extra practice shorts unless you want to do laundry every day
  • Under layer for cooler weather.  Check with your team on what color is required (usually black or white)
  • Compression or sport underwear
  • Sport goggles if needed and your child does not wear contacts
  • Water bottle

Other Elite Clubs to be aware of 

Pre-Academy and Academy

The Academy system in the U.S. is overseen by U.S. Soccer.  There are very specific rules that the teams must adhere to with regard to their rosters, their practice time and methods, and game time and play. The focus is on more practice and skill development and fewer but highly competitive games. 

These are among the most elite players and there are not Academy programs in every state.  Academy is geared toward the U16 and U18 groups. Pre-Academy is U-11 to U14/15 as a development program to groom younger players for the Academy teams. 


These teams are incredibly competitive.  Try outs are intense and only the best of the best will be granted an offer to play. Being rostered at the Pre-academy or Academy level one year does not guarantee your spot the following year. This is actually true of any high level or elite club or other team.  Try outs must happen every year, even for the team you currently play for and being invited back to play is not guaranteed. 

Olympic Development Program (ODP)

ODP is also overseen by U.S. soccer. This is a great player development program and that is the focus - player development. There are friendly games that are played with other ODP teams, but it is not a competitive league in terms of games. 

It is, however, a highly competitive try out based program. It is for elite players who have potential to progress to perhaps someday being a member of the U.S. National Soccer team. 

Kids develop their skills in soccer throughout their years of play.  Some will peak at U 10 or 12 with others not fully developing and playing at their peak until U 16 or 17.  The reality is, the better the coaching, and the more coachable and dedicated the player to skill development and practice, the better the player will develop.  Of course some raw skill is needed, but that is not enough.

Finding out about ODP try outs in your area requires you to do your homework. You are most likely to find it by searching for your state's youth soccer organization or simply doing a search for ODP or Olympic Development Program for soccer.  Here, try outs are in the late summer or late fall (depends on when the training is to begin).  

The practices are once a week for 2-3.5 hours and focus on foot skills, fitness, drills, and scrimmages.  The most wonderful part about ODP that it really fosters players taking responsibility for their preparation and their play. 

It includes a sports psychology component that is classroom based for both players AND parents.  Let me tell you, if they taught parents at the town or club level what they teach parents in ODP about sports psychology, I bet there would be a lot better soccer player/parent relationships! 

They teach parents what it's like for your player to hear your voice while they are playing, how distracting it is, how coaching from the sidelines undermines what their coaches have told them to do and distracts them from attention to their task in the game. It can undermine their confidence and squash their love of the sport or desire to talk with you about it.  They encourage letting your child initiate the conversation about how their practice or game was and to refrain from offering advice or feedback. Simply saying, "I love watching you play" is the best thing you can say to your child, especially after a tough game.

ODP leads to a regional development camp at the end of the season where players scrimmage against other local ODP teams (Northeast, Southeast, etc.) and the National coaches observe and I.D. the best of the best to join the regional teams.  The regional teams feed the National Team.  Last year, I believe there were two players out of the several ODP teams in MA (over 100 players) that were invited to regional team. 

NPL

NPL stands for the National Premier League. It's on par with the Academy system as it's National and highly competitive with only the most elite and skilled of players typically making the cut for the team. 

So much more...
This is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the world of club and elite soccer. There is so much more I have to share so stay tuned for some of my personal experiences and what I've learned from them along with other insider tips and helpful information as you embrace the crazy that is having a soccer player for a child.

The realities of being a soccer mom and dad can be shocking if you are not prepared. In short, prepare to sacrifice your nights and weekends until they stop playing or move out, especially if you have more than one child playing!  I say that in jest, but it's also a harsh reality.  For 9 months out of the year, I spend most every night at a soccer field somewhere.  It eats up 4 hours of my day almost every day.  Games can eat up an entire day if not an entire weekend when you factor in travel time, warm up time, game time, and the need to eat, pee, and prepare.  

It will serve you, your child, and your family well if you learn what to expect not only for this year, but in the years ahead, especially if your child aspires to play at a highly competitive level or in college.  

For now, good luck with the tryouts! 

copyright 6/9/15, All rights reserved
Kimberly Amato

     

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Unraveling

Do you ever feel like a ball of yarn?


Seriously.  I was thinking our lives are not unlike a ball of yarn that grows over time.  It may be made of different colors and textures of yarn, but the one end in the middle is the core, the essence of who you were at birth.  That core is surrounded by the weaving of the yarn and your life experiences over time.  In the beginning, your parents help you grow your ball of yarn.  As you get older, you take control over it's growth and development.

The loose end is the one that keeps weaving the ball.  Wrapping it around itself in different ways and patterns.  It, and you, grows over time.  Each new layer a testament to how you have grown and what you have learned along the way through each of your life experiences and choices.

Sometimes, you unravel a bit.  Intentionally.  Usually to create something with your yarn.  Friends. Relationships. Jobs. Families. A new hobby.  That little bit of unraveling leads ultimately to a bigger ball of yarn.  A bigger and better you.  A more tightly woven and intricate you.  A beautiful you.  A wiser you.

Of course, with each relationship you weave, you in part, join two balls of yarn.  Sometimes the result is a beautiful new creation that grows out of both of your balls of yarn.  Sometimes, when relationships end, the string is traumatically cut.  Sometimes, it's just frayed.  Sometimes it's patched back together.

Sometimes, the unexpected happens.  You may find yourself unraveling unexpectedly.  Not by choice. You feel a bit out of control.  Perhaps someone throws you, like a ball.  You land with a thud on the floor, unraveled and tangled. Or the cat chases you around the house like a toy, because you roll so nicely with your round-ness.  It makes you feel out of control, dizzy, confused. You might even roll underneath something and be seemingly forgotten or feel lost and alone.  Someone might unexpectedly and traumatically sever a part of your string, leaving you quite literally, broken.


You are not always recognized for the amazing ball of experiences you are.  Your essence is not noticed by everyone.  You may not be understood for who and what you are.  You might even forget who you are and how you got where you are.

Sometimes, you simply stumble or fall, and begin to unravel.  This is not done with purpose, rather seemingly by accident (or maybe the cat did it), and you - the ball of yarn, rolls along like an unfurled yo-yo that doesn't come back to it's starting position.  You might be rolling down hill, or bouncing down a flight of stairs, feeling out of control and chaotic.  It may happen slowly over time, or be quite sudden and fast.


Then, you come to rest.  You are a mess.  No longer a neat ball of yarn.  Now, you are all disheveled. You are all in a tangle.  You might even have knots in your string.  Others may not notice or care that you are lying there askew.  They might step on you, kick or push you out of the way, pick you up and place you somewhere else, but not try to fix the mess you are in.  They might even make it worse! You might be ignored or forgotten.  You might want to just hide, because you feel ugly, confused, and unworthy.  Unsure of how to wind yourself back up to be a vibrant,healthy, happy ball of yarn again.

Perhaps you are wondering where the hell this analogy came from.  Today, I am feeling like that disheveled, unraveled, lost ball of yarn.  I feel frayed at the edges.  I am quite exposed but wish I was under the bed.  Before I fix my unwoven and frayed end, I need to sit in this place of being a tangled mess and be with it.  I need to figure out why I feel so unwound, unbalanced, and chaotic.  How it happened and how to fix it so when I wind myself back up, I do it smoothly and with purpose, not half-assed and in a hurry just to 'make it better.'

If we try to wind ourselves up too fast, we don't truly figure out why we became unwound in the first place.  We just cover up the problem that caused us to unravel in the first place.  Lots of people do this.  They are cautious to be sure they never unravel or if they do, that no one ever sees them do it. They cover the knots and dirty bits quickly with their loose end, without doing the work. Without understanding or truly taking the time to figure out what the lesson was in their loose strings. Without truly healing before they add to their ball.  Soon those bits of chaos get buried by new experiences, but they are still there.

The unraveling helps us to go back and understand, do the work, figure out where our pattern of weaving went astray, and to fix it by healing and re-weaving our ball of yarn in a happy and healthy way.

Introspection is good for us yarn balls.  As we grow older, we find our sphere of fuzzy goodness is made of many interwoven strings.  Sometimes it's just one of those strings that gets frayed, unwound, or even cut.  Sometimes it's more than one.  Sometimes it's superficial and sometimes it's a deeper string.

I need to tie off some of my strings.  I need to end them with purpose and let them go with love. They are still a part of my yarn ball, just ones that are no longer in need of being attended to.   They are draining me, their frayed edges demanding time and attention I don't have or even want to give to them anymore.  They served their purpose. Their lesson has been learned and integrated.  Their time gone full circle.

Other strings, I need to add to my yarn ball, or nurture and grow.

I have decided I need more sparkly yarn in my ball.

Yes.  Sparkles.  That's what I need.

Right after I roll under the bed and take a nap...






Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Driving Lessons: SO much more than a rite of passage

The past few months have been quite a ride.  Literally and figuratively.

My eldest son has his learner's permit and is learning to drive.  I *may* have used more of my Lamaze breathing the past few months than I did when he was born!  

Teaching your children to drive is one of those parental rites of passage as much as it is a rite of passage for your child.  It's a milestone in your child's development and in your parenting.  A stepping stone to adulthood for your child.  A stepping stone to letting go and fostering independence in your child for you.  Once they get their driver's licence they are one step closer to fleeing the nest and with that document, they can legally operate a motor vehicle to do so!  It can strike fear into the heart of many parents on many levels!  

It is also an opportunity for the parent to practice safe driving habits.  Your kids will model you, so don't expect them to refrain from talking on their cell phone or texting while driving or at a stop sign if they see you do it. They pay attention to you more than you think. 

Teaching your children to drive is a task that seems to often fall to the dads.  I'd be curious how many moms are the primary educator and supervisor when it comes to teaching their kids how to drive, by choice.  Let me tell you moms, DO IT!  It could transform your relationship with your child in ways you never imagined.

Given his father and I are divorced, and I have more time, responsibility for transportation to soccer and other activities, and an active interest in participating than his father or step-father, the bulk of the parental hours (40 required by the state) of supervised driving have fallen to me.  

I'll admit, at first, it was a bit nerve-wracking.  My husband (his step-father) took him out the first time because he wanted to have that role.  The first time I drove with him, I was a nervous Nellie.  He has improved tremendously (ah, the benefit of practice) and now he actually asks to drive (everywhere) instead of us having to convince him he should.  I'm sure he will be a good driver.  I pray he will always make good choices in his driving.  

Aside from the parental rite of passage that is teaching your child to drive, if you are fortunate, you might just discover an amazing, unexpected gift in the process.  A unique opportunity to capitalize on that one on one situation an enclosed vehicle provides to connect and bond with your child.  You have a captive audience, use it to your advantage!

We spend a lot of time in the car.  A LOT of time.  With soccer practices an hour away, each way, several times a week, there are many hours of having my son as a captive audience and having... a real conversation with him.  About real things.  School.  His girlfriend.  His friends.  What he wants to do when he grows up.  What makes him tick.  What pisses him off. What kind of music he listens to. Where he wants to go to college and why.  It gives me a wonderful opportunity to share with him, educate him about the realities of life now, and in the future, in such a way that he does not feel threatened, and as a result, he's opened up and shared so much more about the inner workings of his mind, his thoughts, and his feelings, than I ever thought he would or even could!  

There is something about being in a confined space without requiring eye contact, in dim light (at night), where somehow, one's guard is dropped, he feels emotionally safe enough to share with me. Something, given his personality and history of avoidance of any meaningful conversation up until this year, I never thought would happen.  Certainly not to the extent that it has.  

As a result, we've connected on a new level.  There is more trust on his part that I'm not the most evil mommy in all the land, but I might actually know something or two about life.  That I really am looking out for his best interest while also trying to teach him the skills he needs to succeed on his own.  There is a vulnerability about him that I've always known was there, but he lets me see now, and accepts my advice.  Okay, at least most of the time he at least listens to what I have to say.  I'm a fan of natural consequences.  I will give him tools and reminders, but I won't do the hard stuff for him.  Not that it stops him from trying to convince me to do so...

I've also seen him really start to blossom.  His humor is definitely an asset (thanks, Dad).  He is compassionate and sweet.  He struggles with confidence and shyness, although it's not nearly as profound as it used to be.  He's starting to not only grow those feathers, but starting to stretch them out a bit.  He's figured out (FINALLY), how I work and why.  He actually tries to accommodate my needs because he's learned he's much more likely to get what he wants if he does his part. He's becoming a fine young man. He's starting to become eager to get his license and fly.  Such a change from a year ago when he wasn't sure he even wanted to apply for his permit when he was able and was afraid of operating a vehicle!

Knock me over with a feather. 

I'm kind of sad our days of driving lessons and supervised driving are coming to a close.  He is eligible to take his license test in mid-May.  Then, he will no longer require my presence.  I fear he will reject it.  The right of passage will have passed.  He will be one step closer to independence.  I will be one step closer to my baby bird leaving the nest.  I'm not ready! 

You can bet that our last few sessions in the car together will involve discussions around the importance of connection to your family, safety, and imparting whatever other knowledge and insight I can about life's lessons I can. 

I am so grateful that we've had this opportunity together.  The one on one time has been such a gift. After all the challenges we had in his early childhood and the struggles he had with anger management and ADHD, he is turning into a really amazing, bright, mature, compassionate, and articulate young man.  

In those tears I'm sure I'll shed, will be ones of pride.  I guess I've done an okay job after all.  I hope he remembers this experience as fondly as I will.  

So when it comes time to teach your child to drive, embrace the opportunity. It's truly a gift in many ways, especially if you long to connect with your child on a new level.  

Those driving lessons are about so much more than learning to drive.  They are about learning to live, love, laugh, cry, and be a good human.  They are about parent and child and establishing, in a way, your future relationship, at least, it presents that opportunity to you.  It can be so much more than just learning how to operate a motor vehicle and the rules of the road.

Seize the opportunity!  It really does go by fast.  When he asks for the keys, I might panic.  Not because I'm worried about his driving, but because my baby is growing up!  I promise you, I'll be less worried than I was 6 months ago, and not just because of his improvement in skill.  Because I feel like we have a much better relationship now.  

*smushy heart*

Monday, March 9, 2015

Of sun and solace

I am sitting in the sun as I type this. We're in the midst of a heat wave!  It's in the 40's!  The snow is melting!  It's a gloriously sunny day with a deep blue sky and puffy white clouds drifting by.

No, I'm not outside, but it's the next best thing.  I'm sitting in our newly built sunroom.  I have always wanted a sunroom.  I am solar powered, I swear.  Living in New England, especially this winter, where we have received over 110 inches of snow, most of it in just over a month's time and had the coldest February ever, I am desperate for vitamin D from the big ball of fire we orbit.

This sunroom has literally saved my sanity. I've been feeling out of sorts, lost, and at a crossroads of sorts.  This room is providing insight in ways I'd not anticipated but am grateful for.

It's only been complete and usable for about a week.  I've been in it every day.  The cats are also enjoying it for the warmth, the newness, and the fact the bird TV is outstanding with all the windows and my feeders strategically located for our viewing pleasure.

The benefits of the sunlight alone have shifted my mood, let alone the quiet sanctuary this room provides for me.  It is quiet.  Blissfully quiet.  No TV.  No music.  Just the sounds of nature from the outside in the form of birds chirping, ice and snow melting, and the wind along with the occasional purr or even snoring of a cat.  I am surrounded by windows, and currently, the glare of the sunlight off the way too high snow pack (currently about halfway up the slider, but it was nearly to the top of the slider a mere 3 weeks ago) but no worries, I have sunglasses!  

I am marveling at how this room makes me feel.  I knew I would love it, but it didn't occur to me just how much and why.  Of course I love the light and warmth the sun provides without the cold!  I am fascinated by watching the birds.  I watch them eat, play, fly and glide, and see where they are choosing to nest.  I could watch the clouds drift by for hours, captivated by how they change and evolve as they move across the sky.  Of course I most enjoy glancing up and seeing heart clouds!  At night, I watch the moon rise and traverse the sky.  I gaze at the stars.  I need to bring my telescope in here!

One of the drawbacks of the room is that it seems to have hijacked my motivation. It has killed my productivity (self-imposed by a never ending to do list).  I just want to sit here and be.  I don't want to do anything but sit in the sun, listen, observe, perhaps meditate or ponder the meaning of my existence.  Clearly, because that's exactly what I need to do.

Which is most interesting, because as the Universe would have it, I've been feeling rather indecisive and overwhelmed as of late.  The "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up" syndrome totally clashing with the long standing issue of there are too many things I want to do, not enough time to do them, the fact that I've been trying to do them all, and as a result, I do none of them well and never finish anything.  *sigh*

I've been rather "lost" the past few months, trying to figure it out.  Trying to find focus, direction, to carve out of all the things I love.  To choose a passion or two (of the many near and dear to my heart) to follow, to grow, to serve others with, and that pays the bills.  No easy task I tell you!  I've been busy as all get out and productive in many ways, just in all different areas of interest to me.  I've been checking things off my to do list that have been there for YEARS.  Surprisingly, or, perhaps not so surprisingly, I just as quickly add more things to the list, with some of the longstanding ones still there.  No wonder it never gets shorter!

Today, it occurred to me that my desire to be in this room, soaking up the sunshine and connecting with nature is born of a deeper need.  I feel a strong calling to sit quietly and listen.  Listen to spirit, the Universe, my higher self.  To ask the question and listen patiently for the answer.  It's something I've not done as much as I should or need to. I realize I've lost that connection and I need it.  Partially because of the challenges of the weather, partially because I got so caught up in writing last fall and all that followed with Meg's 10th Angelversary, I forgot to rest.  I forgot to take care of me.  Now that I have the chance to do so, I keep filling the time like the Type A overachiever I am.  It's an easy cycle to repeat.

Except my heart and my spirit are screaming at me to stop.  Apparently they've been doing that for a while, but, well, I was too busy to listen.  Okay, I heard it, but I didn't honor it.

I need to just be.  Here.  Now.  Until I figure it out.  I'm sure the answer is within me, I just need to turn off the commentary in my head long enough to listen to what my soul knows I'm supposed to do.

This room brings me peace.  It quiets my mind.  It begs me to slow down. It's connected me to nature again.  It reminds me life is short and I should enjoy it.

I was hesitant to build the room for it was a pretty penny to build, but I'm not getting any younger so it was now or never.  Best.  Decision. Ever.

I long for the warmer days, once the snow is gone and the deck is completed outside.  I can open the windows and feel the warm breeze.  I will be able to hear the birds without the buffering of the window glass.  Maybe instead of writing, I will read!

In the meantime, I will invoke the wisdom of my cats.  Surely they know the benefits of lying in the sun, they do it all the time!  They seem pretty calm and peaceful...

I have two signs in this room.  They both speak to me.  One says "May every sunrise hold more promise and every sunset hold more peace"  The other is about the rules.  To it, I say, Amen.
Life is short.  Make it matter.  Make it fun.  Live it from a place of love.

Namaste.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

We need to talk...

I've spent the better part of the last several weeks writing.  Blog posts, Facebook posts, and Twitter posts on multiple sites and pages I manage.  I've also spent a good deal of time reading and commenting on the posts of others.  This post and it's subject matter have been swimming in my head for several weeks.

The crux of it is, we need to talk.  There needs to be a conversation that not only starts, but continues. It's already started, but the focus is not where it needs to be.  Perhaps I can help shift to focus to where it should be.  Where it needs to be.

The Conversation
Most of the conversation the past few weeks has revolved around two things.  Child Safety and kids dying.  Two things I am clearly passionate about, and for me, have been part of my conversations for the past ten years.  It wasn't my choice to have these passions.  It was born of circumstance. Circumstances that are now part of the fabric of who I am, what I do, and why I write.

Oddly, it seems many people don't understand how these two things go together.  Or, perhaps more accurately, they do understand, but they don't want to think about it.  They don't want it thrown in their face. Especially at a time when they are having a good time, gathered with friends and family, and expecting to be entertained by both by the people around them and what they are watching on TV.

Yes, I'm referring to the Superbowl and the highly controversial Nationwide ad for Make Safe Happen.  I've written about it before and you can refer to that post for my feelings on the ad itself.

Having read many comments on many social media, news, and blog sites, I am saddened.  Not just because so many people did not *get* the message, but the actual reason they did not get the message or outright refused to get the message, even when it was explained to them.  DEATH SCARES THE S*IT OUT OF PEOPLE.  Especially when it's about kids.

Death:  Don't Wanna Even...
Am I wrong?  Does the thought of a loved one dying, especially suddenly and unexpectedly, scare the pants off you?  You don't want to think about it do you?  You certainly don't want to think about what it would be like to get that phone call, that visit to your door from an officer, or the doctor and the social worker at the door of your loved one's hospital room.  So many people refuse to create wills, health care proxies or power of attorney documents because they just don't want to think about death. Or think they can put it off until "later" and then, when death comes, later turns out to be tomorrow...

You fear your spouse having a heart attack or being in a fatal car accident.  You know your loved one with cancer is fighting for their life but you don't want to consider they might not win, even if they have. You absolutely don't want to ever have to go to a child's wake or funeral because it's just too hard to even think about, let alone have it be for YOUR CHILD.

So what do you do instead?  You get pissed off when someone else confronts you with it.  Especially if they confront you with it out of nowhere, when you were not expecting it.  Even worse, if it's a time when you are gathered with friends and family in celebration.

Guess what.  That's the point.  That's what it's like for thousands of people every single day.  Their perfectly happy lives are shattered when a loved one suddenly and unexpectedly dies.  Death, like that ad, doesn't come when you are "ready" for it. It does not always come with a warning.  It comes when it damn well pleases.  Sometimes you can prepare for it, sometimes you cannot. Sometimes there are things you can do to prevent it, sometimes there are not. There is no good time for a loved one to die. None.

There was no better time to air that Nationwide ad.  Why?  A huge audience, full of parents.  Who is their target audience?  Parents.  What was their goal?  Education and yes, maybe even shock value. They wanted to get your attention, and they did.  The message, preventable accidents are the # 1 cause of death to children and a kid can die just this fast, and when they do, this is how it feels.  Don't like it?  MAKE SAFE HAPPEN.  It was that simple.

Misplaced Emotions or No Idea What to do with Them?
Of course people got pissed off.  How dare Nationwide make me confront a subject I'm not comfortable with?  How dare they do it when *I* am having a good time?  How dare they not warn me they were going to "kill" my Superbowl buzz by killing a kid?  They (you?) didn't want their happy family and friends feel good party "ruined."  I get it.

Neither did I.  On December 18th, 2004 I was supposed to be wrapping Christmas gifts and making cookies and crafts with my kids.  Instead, I woke up to find my daughter crushed beneath her dresser. I spent half the day at hospitals.  I came home with a box of her hand and foot prints and a lock of her hair. And overwhelming guilt. She went to the morgue. I didn't want Christmas ruined in 2004 (and for the rest of my life) when instead, I had to bury my daughter who died from a preventable tip-over accident 3 days before Christmas.  I COULD HAVE PREVENTED HER DEATH!

Your Superbowl party might have been brought down by a commercial.  My entire life came crashing down around me when my daughter died from a preventable accident.  One I could have prevented, had I known of the danger.  Had I believed the danger.  Had I known the statistics.  If only... Their goal was to educate you so you don't ever have to know what it's like to be me. Get it?  That ad, might have saved my daughter's life if I'd seen it ten years ago.

Despite my pain, despite the trigger, I loved the ad.  Why?  IT CAN SAVE LIVES!  It can prevent you from ever having to feel the pain I do.  The pain millions of parents feel every year.  The pain of losing a child to something you could have prevented. I already live with the pain of losing a child. An ad is not going to change that. If only it were that easy...

So I'm sorry your SuperBowl viewing experience was ruined for a few minutes.  Really.  But guess what?  You then went back to your eating, drinking, laughing, and regularly scheduled life.  My "regular" life is nothing like it was supposed to be.  I'm sorry, but get over it.

Must Know Info: Grief is a Journey and it Lasts a Lifetime
You know, it's also interesting to me how many bereaved parents were outraged.  They slammed Nationwide for being insensitive to bereaved parents.  That bereaved parents were triggered by the commercial and it should not have been shown during the Superbowl.  That showing an ad that depicted a child dying was in poor taste. They were angry they were watching with the bereaved siblings of the child that died, and they siblings may have also been upset by the trigger.  Or fellow bereaved family members who took offense to their escapist Superbowl viewing being hijacked by a commercial that reminded them of their loss.

Look, I get it. I am a bereaved parent.  I know the spot was a trigger.  I know it blindsided people whether they had ever lost a child or not.  Grief is forever.  Triggers happen.  They suck.  I hate them as much as the next person.  I knew what was coming and I still cried when it aired. It was powerful and compelling. Nationwide did not deliberately try to upset bereaved parents.  Parents who did not lose a child to a preventable accident may have also missed the point of the ad, because of their own grief.  That's understandable. Would there have been a "good" or "better" time to air that ad?  If it triggered you then, it would have triggered you whenever you happened to see it.  Perhaps you'd have been less likely to see it if it were not aired during the Superbowl.

Many of us prefer to be alone in our grief, or when triggered unexpectedly, but what about the benefit of having the support of others in our grief?  What about taking advantage of having friends and family around to support each other, have a conversation, and help us work through our grief? Especially when something like this happens?  That was the gift inside of this commercial for families who are bereaved for any reason, but especially the loss of a child.  The opportunity to start or continue the conversation about death and grief. Of course if your loss was recent, this is often harder to do and I am sensitive to that.  Really, I am.

Even if you had not ever lost a child, if you didn't like the ad during the Superbowl, you would not have liked it any better during your favorite reality, sitcom, or drama show, either.

The Truth
Let's be real and honest here. Your objection to the ad was not *really* that it aired during the Superbowl. It was that it involved the death of a child and it made you uncomfortable.  That discomfort was likely amplified by the fact you were probably in a social environment, and with other people who were equally uncomfortable with a serious subject like the death of a child.  You probably did not have much experience discussing death and/or are uncomfortable with it, or even if you did, you might have felt peer pressure to go along with the crowd and their reaction.  Chances are you stuffed whatever emotion the ad dredged up in you, or, impulsively blamed Nationwide for YOUR discomfort with the death of a child (and likely completely missing the point of the ad), and went back to the party and the game.

I was watching with my two sons, who are obviously bereaved siblings.  We talked about it right after it aired.  They were not upset by it.  They *got* it.  Once they understood the reason the ad was made that way, and what it was really about, they were able to see the benefit.  They were proud their sister is helping to save lives through Meghan's Hope and my involvement with the Nationwide Make Safe Happen campaign.

Why were my kids not upset?  Probably largely because we *do* talk about death in this house.  We talk about how Meggie died, why she died, and what we can do to prevent it from happening to others. I don't shelter them from death, I never have and I never will.  Even when they were 3 and 6 the day she died, they were involved in all of it in an age-appropriate way. We are an open, honest, real family. We talk about triggers and that it can be upsetting when things remind us of her and the way she died. We talked about how others might not feel the same way we do and why.  I want my kids to understand and be comfortable talking about death.

While talking about triggers, what about the 911 ad?  How do you think victims of domestic violence felt about that ad?  Don't you think it was a trigger for them?  What about people who lost children to cancers or other illness and their reaction to the St. Jude commercial?  What about alcoholics and people who lost loved ones to drunk driving and all the beer commercials?  Triggers can happen to anyone, anywhere, anytime and for any reason. Yes, for those who have lost a loved one and especially a child they may be more intense, but there are other kinds of losses that cause just as strong of a grief reaction.

To a point, we can only relate to what we know and what we believe to be true.  When it comes to grief, everyone does it differently.  Everyone brings to any discussion their personal, cultural, religious and spiritual beliefs along with their personal life experience.

The Power of Choice 
Yet we always have a choice.  We can choose to be pissed off and self-absorbed about our personal feelings about anything, in this case the Nationwide ad, and the fact they used a child that died from a preventable accident to educate parents that preventable accidents are the #1 cause of death to children. That their kids could be at risk.  Really. Not someone else's kids. THEIR kids.

Nationwide made it real. Reality, when it involves death, makes most of us uncomfortable.

Instead of getting the message.  Instead of going to the makesafehappen website or checking out the app to see what it was all about, people lashed out against Nationwide for "killing a kid during the Superbowl."  They chose to place blame on Nationwide for how it made them feel.  Nationwide did not "make" you feel or do anything.  That's all you.  They created an emotional, compelling, PSA. How you chose to react to it was all you. Really, we need to start owning our feelings, understanding them, and stop blaming others, no matter what it is we feel. The only person responsible for how you feel is you.

Let me say that again.  The only person responsible for how you feel is you.

I propose it was much less about how people felt about the commercial itself and a whole lot more about how death-averse we are as a society.  People missed both messages embedded in that commercial.  In doing so, they missed both an opportunity to learn more about preventable accidents and making kids safer and they missed the opportunity to have a real, honest, and important conversation about death, dying, and grief.

The Conversation Begging to be Had
Here is the thing.  Death is part of life.  We are all going to die.  We all know that, but no one seems to want to actually acknowledge it until they have no choice.  Yes, we would love to believe that we will all live long, happy, healthy and full lives and die of old age when we are damn good and ready to.

Except life doesn't always work that way.

People die.  Some after living long, fulfilling, wonderful lives. Some before they are born.  Some die of horrible diseases they did not ask for or deserve. Some die in car accidents or plane crashes that were no fault of their own.  Some will have a heart attack or stroke with no risk factors or warning signs.  Some die trying to save the lives of others like the members of our armed forces or first responders.  Some are horribly murdered.  Some commit suicide.  Some die in an accident that may have been preventable.  Sometimes the victims of these accidents are kids.

There is never a good time to lose someone we love.  When kids die, it hits us especially hard.  Even if we don't know them. Why?  Kids are not supposed to die. Certainly not before their parents.  Of course not everything that takes the life of a child can be prevented.  But many accidents can be prevented. Why would you not want to do everything you can to protect children so they have every opportunity to live long, happy, and healthy lives?

Nationwide started a conversation.  They want to educate people that accidents are the #1 cause of death to children.  They want to teach parents and those who care for children what the dangers are and how to make their homes and their children safer.  It's that simple.  It's that important.  They provided a wonderful resource and information in the Make Safe Happen website and app.  They want to save the lives of children.

I want to take it one step further.  Let's also let it be a catalyst for talking about death, dying, and grief.  Let's learn how to support others who have lost someone they love.  Let's learn how to support someone who is dying and those who love them.  Let's talk to our families about what would be important to us when we are facing the end of life or after we die.  I've tried to start this conversation, at least with regard to understanding and supporting bereaved parents, with my book Out of the Darkness.  

What you can do
I ask of you two things.

First, If you've not yet done so, please visit the Make Safe Happen Website and download the app or, if you don't have young children in your life, share it with someone who does.

Second, make a date on your calendar to talk to your spouse, significant other, children, family members and/or friends about what would be important to you if you were dying.  What you'd want after you die for services.  Create a health care proxy, power of attorney, and will if you've not done so already.  Don't wait for a health crisis, or for when you get older, or allow it to be put off over and over again.  Do it now.  It will make everything so much easier when death does come knocking for everyone involved.

Be the change.

Thank you.



Meghan’s Hope and Nationwide are partners in the Make Safe Happen campaign. While all opinions expressed here are my own, I have received compensation from Nationwide for promotion of their Make Safe Happen campaign materially or financially.