Friday, August 17, 2012

Bachelor parties, strip clubs and relationship harmony. Tips from the inside!

My fiance has been abducted!

No, not by aliens.  Although that would be a possibility...No, by his friends.  This is the day he has been waiting his entire adult life for.  The day he thought for a long time he'd never see because of his vow to be the eternal bachelor.  Today is the start of his bachelor party weekend.  Yes.  An entire weekend.  My parting words to him?  "Have fun, babe.  I love you!"

This said, knowing that at this very moment or very soon, he will have a naked woman in his lap and will be enjoying every second of it.  In fact, he will have several, all night long and maybe tomorrow night, too.  Not only does it not bother me, I support it, because it's what he wanted to do.  And because I trust him.  Oh, and because I benefit later... :-)

I didn't always feel that way and I'll explain why in a bit.  Stay tuned, you'll love my 'inside the strip club' commentary!

While I support a party thrown by his closest friends in his honor, I marvel at the extent the men went to in order to keep me in the dark about the plans for him.  They avoided questions I asked out of pure curiosity and a desire to be sure he was going to get the party he really wanted (there were some planning snafus and dis-coordination that were valid cause for concern).  They spoke in code.  "Oh, yea... we're going to give blood and feed orphans..."  Seriously guys?  You're all 40-something ish.  Learn to be straight with the women in your life.  I'll let you in on a secret.  I'm not afraid of other women!  Even if they don't have clothes on!  Some of the wives had the courage to tell me what you wouldn't (and probably didn't tell your wives), because they *get* it and me.

My biggest concern is I don't want anyone driving if they are going to an establishment and drinking.  Odd, I never got any assurances about that and THAT is what bothers me the most!

My rant thus should be... Men, learn to fess up.  Women, learn to loosen up and trust your man! This is the key to relationship harmony and a successful return from the bachelor party!

Bachelor parties are a rite of passage for men.  Everyone loves them.  Everyone wants to be invited to one.  Everyone wants to have one.  Why?  Mostly because it's about doing all the 'forbidden' things with a good excuse to give their girlfriend or wife.  An opportunity to do something they might not otherwise be 'allowed' to do or even admit to doing, even in the case of a bachelor party, to their female companion.  Why is that???

Women, on the other hand, fear the bachelor party.  It fills most of them with anxiety.  It brings to the surface their own self-confidence issues, their insecurities, jealousy and frustration that their man doesn't tell them the truth, or won't.  Some forbid them to go to a strip club or to a party where strippers come to them (yes, that happens and it's quite the wild time from what I understand).

What are you afraid of ladies?  Does he love you?  Do you love him?  Do you trust him?  Do you have bounds established in your relationship that you both vow to honor?  If so, you've nothing to fear.  If any of those points are wishy washy, you have a serious conversation ahead of you and some truth to face.  It's not all about him...

Oh, wait.  I'm making assumptions.  I'm making the blanket assumption that when I say 'bachelor party' you think 'strippers'.  Is that a fair assumption?  While it may be true, at least in part, for many, many bachelor parties, it is not true for all.  Nor is it the only part or even the most coveted part of a bachelor party.  Of course if the guys don't talk about it like it is, they are not cool.  *sigh*

What I love about most bachelor parties these days is that they are multi-day events that are truly about spending time with the man of honor, doing things he enjoys.  It may be a round of golf, some time at a casino, attending a concert, bar hopping, gaming or yes, ogling at naked women and throwing obscene sums of money at them to get them to touch them or bestow a lap dance for 3 minutes.  The opportunity to spend time male-bonding with your best buds is special.  For my man, it will be emotional in the sense that he'll be grateful for who was able to attend and all they went to in order to give him the bachelor party of his dreams.  Let's hear it for friendship!

So, back to the strip club part.  Ladies, listen up!  Here's how I got over my 'other women' and 'naked women in any form' anxiety.  Mom, if you are reading this you may want to stop now.  This may be TMI for you!

I always feared if my man wanted to go to a strip club, it meant I wasn't good enough.  I wasn't attractive enough, sexy enough, anything enough.  My ex cheated on me with an 'escort', so I have a bit of a trigger.  I worried that he wanted some other kind of woman and I was just 'sufficient' and, well, you can't date the strippers.  I had this vision strippers were all gorgeous, stacked and talented.  I didn't understand what actually happened at a strip club or how diverse the girls and their 'talents' were.  So, I went to a strip club!  A very popular one in a neighboring state.  I went with my fiance and another couple and we went more than once.  I am so glad I did!  I learned so much.  Not only about the whole strip club scene, but also about how the men behave and how the women behave and the motivations behind both.  It alleviated my anxiety and removed the mystery.  It was a fascinating study in human behavior and sexuality.  Perhaps you should consider it, too.

Inside the strip club:

**Disclaimer, I can only speak of the one I've been to.  There are different rules in different states.  There is a difference between a 'stripper' and an 'escort' and what is allowed in a club vs a private home and there are plenty of Web sites out there where your man could find a woman to cheat with without having to go to a strip club, so consider the root of your concerns as well as what flavor of naked play time he may be engaging in and where**

First, let me assure you, there are large bouncers everywhere and unless invited by the girl, you don't touch them.  IF you are invited to touch them or if they touch you, they expect to be rewarded financially.  Handsomely.  The more money you give them, the more attention they give you.

Secondly, there are hidden cameras everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE.  There are rules to be followed or the entire place could be shut down and the owners don't want that kind of trouble.  Does some bending of the rules happen, I'm sure.  Is he having sex with the stripper?  I don't think he'd survive if he tried. (refer to bouncer)

Thirdly,  it ain't all that sexy.  Well, most of the women are not all that sexy.  I don't think they are treated all that great by the club either, which may explain the turnover. Granted, everyone has different tastes but here's my take on it:

Guys walk into a strip club and all they see is "boobies, boobies, boobies, boobies, BOOBIES!".   Kinda like that commercial where the dog says "I see BACON!  bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, BACON!"  Yeah, like that.  They don't care about anything else it would seem.  Her hair, her face, her body shape and size are completely secondary to the fact she's mostly or all naked.  How she moves around on the stage may or may not make a difference. They go on auto-pilot and practically drool if one comes to talk to them.  They throw money like monkeys throw poop.  It's hysterical.  I laughed out loud.  A lot!  All the men are essentially the same.  Some more skeevy and obnoxious than others.  They all have no idea how ridiculous and dorky they look! The skeevy ones freaked me out!  There was this one guy there once who came in with two dozen roses and was handing them out to the girls.  The police/bouncers made him stay 3 feet from the stage.  The girls avoided him like the plague!  The bouncers do a great job protecting the girls.

The girls come in two flavors.  The 'shooter' girls, who are dressed and remain so, in adorable and sexy little cocktail dresses.  They are the cocktail waitresses.  In my opinion they are more attractive than the strippers.  They'll put a test tube shot between their breasts, climb in your lap and you can take the tube from their bosom and drink it.  No touching allowed.  They can't linger and chat but they will seek out couples for a 'rest' for a few minutes.  We had some great, but brief, conversations with some.  Tip them well.  They deserve it. They'll even give you a shot of water!

Then there are the strippers.  They wander around the club in some kind of slutty cocktail dress.  At least at this club, they are long and 'elegant'.  Some clubs are not so 'high class'.  They have nothing on underneath it.  They wear ridiculously high lucite come fuck me platform heels.  I don't know how some of them walk in them!  I did learn they start with small ones and work their way up to super high platform ones.  They each get individual stage time that lasts a few songs.  The DJ runs the show.  When it's their turn, they strut around then walk to the back of the stage, unceremoniously take off their dress and drop it on the floor and walk back out naked or with a g-string so she has somewhere to put her dollars.  There is a pole and bars along the top of the stage.  The men sit as if at a bar around it on stools or chairs.  The girl does her 'moves', most of which are just not sexy, to the men sitting there.  They wave or throw their dollars to get her attention.  It's pathetic, really.  They might get to tuck a dollar in her g-string.  Most of the women have this far away look on their faces while they 'dance'.  Some are more engaging than others.  They make the most money and deservedly so.  The ones who can really work the pole/stage are both sexy and impressive.  The bouncer sweeps her dollars with a broom when her time is up!

There is a point where they all get introduced and strut around the stage like models.  Except they are not models.  No, they don't use their real names.  While some are attractive and hot overall, most are average and don't look as hot as you'd think.  Their real goal is to help the guys target their girl and for the girls to get the men to buy a lap dance.  They don't care about your man.  They care about how much money they can get out of him or his friends.

Lap dances are held in the 'back rooms'.  They are like big dressing rooms.  There is no door.  There are cameras for security but they are hidden.  You pay by the song.  Not sure what the going rate is but the fee is to the club, the tip is to the stripper.  She will probably take him by the hand and lead him to the room all seductive and playful like.  They love it.  The men are putty.  The women work it.  Yes, I experienced a lap dance with my man, too.  It was...interesting.  Tip her well and you might get another song.  She typically takes off her dress and does a private dance.  You can tell her what you'd like and don't like (ass, breasts, etc) She will rub parts and touch the men, or women, or both.  She spells out clearly what is allowed and what is not.  If you step out of bounds, she walks out, the bouncer appears and you are tossed out on your ass.  After the song is done, she puts her dress on, takes you to the 'cashier' and you pay for your dance and she's off to the next guy.  Buh-bye.

There is also 'the shower'.  I'm not sure my man would go for this but I suspect his friends may have other ideas.  It's humiliating.  They put a man, usually a bachelor, in this all glass shower on a stage in his boxers.  They handcuff his hands above his head.  Then a naked girl gets in the shower and torments him.  It's not really all that sexy.  They dump ice in his boxers. They cover him with shaving cream and 'wash' him.  They whip him with his own belt.  They are not gentle. The more money his friends throw on the stage, the more the girl abuses the poor guy in the shower.  After a time, she sets him free and he changes and returns to the land of the clothed and humiliated. I've witnessed it.  It's both amusing and yet kind of disturbing.  To each his own, I guess.

Here's the thing you have to remember ladies.  While the men are thinking 'she wants me' or 'I could totally take her  home', or "I so want to do her"  the strippers are making their grocery lists, day dreaming, talking back stage about who they are going to target because they are likely to give the best tips and aren't scary looking and who looks dorky and who looks handsome.  Many of them are doing it for a higher purpose.  It's good money.  They are paying for college or doing it so they can stay home with their kids during the day/week.  They are all ages.  From 18 (?21)-40 something.  Many are married or have steady boyfriends who support their work but the women have no intention of taking your man home.  It's a job for them.  They don't want your man.  They want his money.  They know how to work it to get his money.  Because men are primal and stupid when it comes to naked breasts.  The girls exploit their testosterone haze for their benefit.  They probably feel the same way about their job as you do about yours.  It pays the bills.  It allows them to have a lifestyle they want.  They do it part-time and probably not for very long over all before they move on.  How long could you deal with throngs of men who just want you for your body and what they fantasize they could do with it?

Here's what went through my mind as I watched them dance.  "Where's the strip tease?  That's not sexy!", "Those are so fake", "She's had a c-section", "I think she's pregnant", "She's cute!",  "Wow!  She can really work that pole.  Do you know how much strength that takes?!"  "How the hell do they walk in those shoes?!"  "Eww, does she really think that dress is attractive?",  "Why are the shooter girls way cuter?",  "don't you find *that* guy an embarrassment to your gender?"  "Why do they look so bored?"  "Ooh, that's gonna hurt tomorrow",  "I thought they were supposed to dance sexy.  That's so not sexy.  That's not dancing, either."  "Wow, how'd you get so soft?" and  "What kind of fragrance is that?" (to the one that did the lap dance) "Really, you think she's attractive?" Yeah, he and I have different ideas of what we find attractive in women it turns out.

I got the chance to talk to a few of the girls.  They sat with us for a bit and I asked a bunch of questions.  Some seemed to appreciate the reprieve and the chance to talk 'girl talk'  Yes it was a way to get our men or us as a couple, but still, it was nice for all of us.  They can't 'rest' for long, they are supposed to be making money for the club.  But they try to 'win' you over and if they like you, they'll keep coming back to see if you are interested in a lap dance.  They do love the couples because they are generally 'safe' and more fun.  I also talked with a girl on the stage.  She danced while we chatted with her.  It was early, so there wasn't a lot of guys at the stage.  She was really sweet and attractive, too.  She was married and had a 2 year old son.  She danced on weekends so she could be a stay at home mom during the week.  Her husband supported her dancing because he wanted her to be home with the baby.  She knew she wouldn't do it forever, and she wanted to have more kids, but it was the best part time job for her at the time.  I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to deal with intoxicated men who don't know how to treat a woman , even if she is a stripper...you couldn't pay me enough!

GUYS. LISTEN UP.  You need to learn to be honest and straight with your women.  Don't lie about where you went or what you did.  Don't talk in stupid man-speak code.  If she's upset or you think she will be, TALK about it with her.  Before and after.  Check in with her periodically so she knows your safe and thinking of her. You know, act like an adult.  Find out what her fears are.  What yours are.  Tell her why you enjoy strip clubs, make an effort to understand why she feels the way she does.  Put it all on the table.  Invite her to join you.  If your relationship is not built on trust, honesty and open communication, it will eventually fail.  I trust you love her or you wouldn't be with her.  The same could be said for her.  So fess up!

LADIES.  LOOSEN UP.  Whatever your fears are, confront them.  Forbidding him to go to a strip club probably guarantees he will lie to you.  Engage him in conversation about your fears if you have them.  Make an effort to understand his motivation.  Be honest with each other.  Go to a club with him sometime.  If you don't have any concerns or fears, excellent!  Sleep well!

I have no worries about what this weekend, or any other bachelor party or event where my man has the opportunity to ogle, fondle or touch other naked women.  Why?  Because I love him and he loves me.  Because I trust him.  100%.  He knows the boundaries I'm comfortable with. I trust he will honor them, even if his penis or his friends are telling him to do something else.  If he does not, he knows what the consequences will be and they are harsh.  He knows lying to me will fail.  I know I have no power over him or his choices.  He's an adult.  I don't 'forbid' him to do anything.  He has free will.  As do I.  Trust.  It's all about trust.  I want him to have fun and enjoy his time with his friends this weekend.  I want him to have a fantastic bachelor party. He's been waiting his whole life for this event!  He deserves it!

The secret to the success of any relationship is honesty, trust and open communication.  If you don't have that, you don't have a recipe for success.  It's that simple.

You know what the best part of this weekend will be?  When he comes home Sunday evening, all riled up from the other women.  You know who is going to benefit from this weekend then?  ME!  Wa-hooo!

Now, what about the bachelorette party?!


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