Saturday, October 21, 2017

Losing L'il bean... Lessons in life, loss, and intuition

October 21st.  A beautiful Autumn day, yet again.  Just another day for most people, yet one of tremendous significance for me.  16 years ago, I was 38.5 weeks pregnant with twins, certain I might be pregnant forever.

17 years ago, I was having a very different experience on this day.  It's not one I talk about often.  It's not a birthday, holiday, or anniversary. Well, it is an anniversary, but not one that is ever acknowledged or talked about.  But I remember.  I remember vividly.  It's an anniversary that changed me, my relationship with my then husband, and my perspective and understanding of something still considered taboo to discuss by many.



If you've met me or read my blog, you know taboo and "not appropriate to discuss" is not a concept I subscribe to.  :-)

October 21st is the day I officially miscarried "L'il bean", sometimes referred to as "the little peanut".  Now if you've had a pregnancy loss yourself, you probably already *get* the depth of that sentence.

Now, October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. How appropriate.




The thing is, a pregnancy loss is so much more than "just a miscarriage".  It's a profound loss.  The loss of a life.  The loss of hopes and dreams.  The loss of confidence and trust in your own body for some women.

One in four women suffer a pregnancy loss at least once in their life. Some, have recurrent pregnancy losses. No one ever things it will be them.  Yet we all know many women who have had pregnancy losses, even if they don't tell you about it. We need to break the silence.

For me, at the time, it was one experience that taught me more life lessons than I could have ever imagined, even though it took years more to fully appreciate and understand them.

Let me explain.

L'il bean was conceived in late July.  In Bermuda.  I *knew* I was going to get pregnant based on a combination of cervical mucus and intuition.  I had an almost 2-year old son, and was a childbirth educator, so I knew my body and what it's signals meant.  Sure enough, 2 weeks later I was exhausted, emotionally labile, and constantly nauseous.  Yep, pregnant with baby #2. I peed on a stick and it said so!  It was confirmed by my midwife via a blood test.

As you would expect, I was excited. It was almost too easy to conceive.  For the next several weeks, I had the typical early pregnancy fatigue (which for me is always pretty significant) and nausea and oh, the tender breasts!

Then, around 8 weeks, I suddenly started to feel much better. My energy came back and the nausea went away.  In my previous pregnancy, that lasted well into the second trimester.  I tried to shrug it off, as every pregnancy is different, but deep inside, I knew this pregnancy was no longer viable.  I absolutely knew it.  In fact, I was worried from the beginning it was not going to stick.  I was afraid to say it out loud though.  I remember writing it in my journal.

The words every pregnant woman fears

Fast forward to my 12 week well-visit.  As the midwife listened with the doppler, I hoped to hear that galloping whooshing sound, yet knew I wouldn't.  No heartbeat.  They sent me for an ultrasound.  Confirmed.  No heartbeat.  No 12-week fetus visible.  Then the questions.  They asked me a bunch.  I asked one.  "What happens now?"  It had been nearly 4 weeks since I started to feel un-pregnant.  Why had I not miscarried yet?

I got no definitive answers, other than "You will, probably very soon.  It will be like a heavy period and maybe some cramping more than normal."  I was given the impression it would not interfere with my day other than the usual inconvenience of a period would.

**Somewhat graphic description to follow, may be a trigger for some**

Another 2 weeks and change went by before I woke up on the morning of Oct 21st around 4 am, with what felt like mild contractions every 5 or 6 minutes.  Must be the day.  No other signs though.  I couldn't sleep so I got up and wandered around the house.  I tried to read.  I had some tea.  I watched TV.  The cat sat on my lap.  Sitting became uncomfortable.

I woke my husband around 7 and told him what was happening.  The discomfort was becoming significant enough I was seeking comfort on my hands and knees, rocking, and trying to do some relaxation breathing.  I asked if he could stay home/work from home to care for our 2-year old, because I had no idea how long this was going to go on and how physically challenging it was going to be.

He said no.

He went to work. Even though he completely had the ability to work from home and take any conference calls from home.  Seriously?  I felt like I was in freaking labor.  Of course when I was actually in labor with my son, he also went to work that morning...

I called our day care provider, our son went 2x/week, but today was not one of his days.  I explained what was happening and she said absolutely, she'd take him for the day.  It was a 5 minute drive to her house.  Ever try to drive while in the middle of a contraction or abdominal cramp that causes you to double over?  Well, I did.  Not. Fun. Walking doubled over was also a joy.  Not.

WTF?  No one told me a miscarriage feels like labor, although it makes a world of sense.  Except I wasn't miscarrying a 15 week baby.  At best, L'il bean stopped growing somewhere between 6-7 weeks, if not sooner.  I was quite surprised it was this uncomfortable.

I had begun bleeding, like a heavy period.  I took a long, hot shower.  That felt good.  I cried.  I cried because I was alone.  I cried because it hurt.  I cried because I'd never get to meet L'il bean.  I cried because my husband didn't care or couldn't handle dealing with me and my physical and emotional pain, so I was left to cope on my own.

One of my most vivid memories is kneeling in front of my picture window in the sun.  The cat was lying there.  He knew something was not right.  He was trying to give me love.  Cats are intuitive and sensitive.  I rocked back and forth.  I cried some more.  The contractions were 3 minutes apart and lasting maybe 30-45 seconds, but damn, it felt like labor.  It was around noon.

I called the midwife to explain what was happening and get reassurance I wasn't going to hemorrhage to death.  She assured me it was normal.  However, she downplayed my description of it feeling like labor. She said miscarriage is not labor, especially this early in a pregnancy.  It's "just cramping".

That pissed me off.  I'm sorry, but I've been in labor and this felt exactly the same.  I know how labor works, she knows how labor works, why the hell would it be any different?  Your uterus is trying to expel a baby, whether it's a teeny bean or a full term baby, the mechanics are essentially the same.  She said it could last several more hours, but once I "passed" the "contents" of my uterus, it would feel much better.  She asked if I was alone and I told her yes.  She told me I should have someone with me since I felt lightheaded and dizzy in case I passed out, especially since my blood pressure ran low and my son would be coming home soon. She said I should not be alone.

I called my husband and asked him to come home, relaying what the midwife said. I was going to have to pick up our son by 3.

He said no.  Call my mother or my sister. He had an important meeting and could not come home early.  BTW, that important meeting was one he could have conference called in to.

Bullshit.  Some would say he couldn't deal emotionally, but this was not new behavior.  He was never attached to L'il bean.  My needs and wants were never a priority.  How I felt was entirely my problem.  Pregnancy and thus, pregnancy loss, was my problem. My job was to accommodate him.  He was the one earning the income after all.  If I needed help, I should call on friends or family.

Looking back, this day was the beginning of the end of that relationship.  I didn't recognize it at the time, but his lack of care and concern for me that day changed something in me.  It woke me up to a reality I was not entirely aware of before that day.

I called my sister and she came by after school.  She was in college nearby.

Shortly after I called her, and just before I had to go get my son, I passed what felt like a golf ball.  Probably what was the placenta.  I held a tiny shrimp on my finger.  Was that L'il bean?  I was fascinated.  I had a one-sided conversation with the tiny shrimp.  Then said good-bye.  I cried again.  I cried a lot that day.  I cried for the loss of L'il bean.  I cried because my husband chose work over me.  I cried because the sibling my son was supposed to be getting was but a memory now.

Physically I felt much better.  Heavy bleeding and cramping continued, but the contractions were gone.  I was exhausted physically and emotionally. I was still lightheaded.  I lost a decent amount of blood, I hadn't eaten all day, and I was no longer pregnant.  Officially.

I picked up my son.  My sister arrived shortly after.  She didn't really know what to do or say.  I asked her to entertain my son and make him dinner.  Around 5:30 or 6 I told her she could go home.  I put my son to bed and went to bed myself. 

Funny, I don't remember the interaction with my husband at all that night.  I may have withdrawn to the point of just avoiding him because I was pissed.

Supporting a woman after a pregnancy loss (or any loss of a child)

There are no words that bring comfort.  "I'm so sorry" is the best thing to say.  This meme really sums up how women feel when offered platitudes.  It might make you feel better and make you think it helps the bereaved mom, but it doesn't.






Try again?

They tell you to wait 3 months after a miscarriage before you try to conceive again.  That's kind of stupid advice, because if you do wait, and you do conceive 3 months later, guess what?  Your due date will be very close to the anniversary date of your pregnancy loss.

Guess what?  One year later, I was 38.5 days pregnant with twins. Yes, naturally conceived. I was facing an induction.  I had to go in for a stress test on the 19th. They wanted to induce, for good reason, and were determining if I (baby B in reality) could wait the weekend.  The decision was yes, they could wait.  Unless I went into labor on my own, I would be induced on October 22nd.

I was hyper-aware of the significance of October 21st to me, but I was the only one.  Would giving birth to twins one year after experiencing a pregnancy loss on the same day be difficult or empowering?  Was one of those babies the same soul who tried to come earth-side a year prior, and this time came with another? Part of me wanted October 21st to be L'il bean's day.  Part of me thought it would be rather amazing to birth not one, but two babies on the day L'il bean opted to "move out" of my uterus.

As it unfolded, the twins were born on October 23rd.  At 39 weeks exactly.  I had hired a doula and had two midwives and an OB caring for me.  I did not rely on my husband for any sort of physical or emotional support.  I had learned that lesson loud and clear.  He did lend some support, and sang my praises after the fact, but emotionally, I was not connected to him.  I was fully connected with my babies.  I labored with many people around, but somewhat alone, lost in the beauty that is hypno-birthing.

Looking back, carrying twins to term, birthing them naturally, un-medicated, and with Meghan arriving feet first, was one of the most empowering experiences of my life.  To hold those beautiful babies in my arms at the same time, gaze into their eyes, and know that I... my body, they, did something amazing that morning, it once again, changed who I was.  It changed my perspective.

Lessons learned

Now, 17 years later, I look back and I am grateful for L'il bean beyond measure.  I never met L'il bean (or have I?), but s/he taught me so much more through the experiences s/he gave me than I could have imagined at the time.

L'il bean taught me perspective, resiliency, the power of loss and love, and the importance of trusting your intuition.  L'il bean opened my eyes to a reality I had previously not fully recognized.  L'il bean taught me the "experts" don't always have all the answers, sometimes we teach them.

Losing L'il bean taught me it's ridiculous to wait until 12 weeks to share your pregnancy, because then you have no support in your pregnancy loss.  People are uncomfortable with talking about loss, but that doesn't mean your pregnancy wasn't important, that your baby's life was not valued, and that you have not had a profound loss.  Loss brings grief.  Grief deserves support. If more people talked about it, it would become the norm, and moms and dads and siblings would not have to carry the burden of their grief alone.


Thank you, L'il bean.  I have this silly image of a bean with wings flying around, not unlike a butterfly.  You were loved and you are missed.  I am grateful for being your momma, even if only for a short time.  You deserve a kiss.  Hug.  And a snuggle.  I wish I had the chance to give you those in person, but perhaps your purpose in my life was to teach me the very lessons I did learn from you.

And for that, I am eternally grateful.








64 comments:

  1. Kim, this was beautiful. And real and raw. I understand. I went to the ER for my second miscarriage. They gave me an IV and shut the door after they told me I was having a miscarriage. I was alone. No one came in the room for 4 hours. Awful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Randi, I'm so sorry you had that experience and were so alone. The medical model has a long way to go to better support women in their losses. Hugs.

      Delete
  2. Find out how 1,000's of people like YOU are making a LIVING online and are living their wildest dreams right NOW.
    GET FREE ACCESS NOW

    ReplyDelete
  3. Are you tired of seeking loans and Mortgages,have you been turned down constantly By your banks and other financial institutions,We offer any form of loan to individuals and corporate bodies at low interest rate.If you are interested in taking a loan,feel free to contact us today,we promise to offer you the best services ever.Just give us a try,because a trial will convince you.What are your Financial needs?Do you need a business loan?Do you need a personal loan?Do you want to buy a car?Do you want to refinance?Do you need a mortgage loan?Do you need a huge capital to start off your business proposal or expansion? Have you lost hope and you think there is no way out, and your financial burdens still persists? Contact us (gaincreditloan1@gmail.com)

    Your Name:...............
    Your Country:...............
    Your Occupation:...............
    Loan Amount Needed:...............
    Loan Duration...............
    Monthly Income:...............
    Your Telephone Number:.....................
    Business Plan/Use Of Your Loan:...............
    Contact Us At : gaincreditloan1@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. QuickBooks Technical Support - QuickBooks, commonly abbreviated as QB, is an accounting software program developed by Intuit. With the help of QuickBooks, one can keep track of their business income and expenditures, transfer and store the banking credit and debit details, record sales and payments, make payrolls, save the client and vendor data and a lot more. It is the go-to program for a number of companies across the globe as it lets users save not only their time but also resources. To get help with your QuickBooks software, get in touch with QuickBooks Technical Support Phone Number.

    QuickBooks Payroll Support | QuickBooks Tech Support Phone Number | QuickBooks online support

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thumbs up for the great information you share on this post. I also work in QuickBooks technical department and we provide technical service to our QuickBooks user.

    QuickBooks Premier Support Phone Number | How to fix QuickBooks Company File Error 6189 | QuickBooks Pro Help for Your Business Needs

    ReplyDelete
  6. Once again a new post full of amazing facts...! Your posts store highly beneficial information to educate readers. We are a small team of QuickBooks certified experts that offers best accounting & bookkeeping solution worldwide. For any kind of support, you can contact us at +1(866)296-8224.


    QuickBooks Error Code 361
    QuickBooks payroll support

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hey there… I just went through your post. It’s been a long time no see...! Well, you hit back again with a new exciting blog post and I personally love it. I would like you to go through QuickBooks Enterprise Support page for instant QuickBooks software help. Or can even make a call to us at 1-866-707-7925.

    QuickBooks Desktop 2019 and It’s New & Improved Features

    ReplyDelete
  8. your blog is lovingly serviced and saved as much as date. So it should be, thanks for sharing this with us.

    Computer & Technology Services

    ReplyDelete
  9. I see tremendous improvement in my child and all the credit goes to the family of SKS World. I feel vindicated to have enrolled her here.Best school in noida and ghaziabad,Best school facility in Ghaziabad,Best kindergarten school in noida in india
    https://sksbloger.blogspot.com/2019/06/if-children-are-tought-right-from-then.html
    ,

    ReplyDelete
  10. geek squad appointment services are one such a team of expert professionals who are highly skilled to provide geek squad chat any technical support witther computers, laptops, phones or any other device. Our geek squad support executives are always available to your rescue, and you could also have webroot geek squad with an agent directly for instant troubleshooting .There are many tech support companies available online, but the critical point which distinguishes our geek squad support services from others is the high-quality tech support services, and instant troubleshooting with geek squad chat with an agent. geek squad tech support

    ReplyDelete
  11. It's a big problem nowadays. I hear a lot about this problem. I think that parents should talk with the children about this. A few words not about this, I need to buy customized essay. Do you have contacts of responsible writers?

    ReplyDelete
  12. If you're trying to burn fat then you absolutely need to try this totally brand new custom keto meal plan diet.

    To create this keto diet, licenced nutritionists, fitness trainers, and professional cooks have joined together to develop keto meal plans that are useful, painless, money-efficient, and enjoyable.

    Since their grand opening in January 2019, 1000's of clients have already completely transformed their figure and health with the benefits a proper keto meal plan diet can give.

    Speaking of benefits: in this link, you'll discover 8 scientifically-proven ones offered by the keto meal plan diet.

    ReplyDelete
  13. If you're trying to burn fat then you absolutely need to try this totally brand new custom keto meal plan diet. Nagaland State Lottery

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thumbs up for the great information you share on this post. I also work in QuickBooks technical department and we provide technical service to our QuickBooks user. Lottery Result Today

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thanks for sharing such useful info will be your regular visitor.

    I talk about Mouse Pointer Disappears in Chrome - This mouse cursor or pointer disappears issue can happen by accident. Let’s found easy solutions this issue occurs on your Computer surfaces.

    Learn more - Cursor Disappears Windows 10
    Mouse Pointer disappears
    Mouse Pointer is Missing on Windows 10

    ReplyDelete
  16. Nice Post, If someone needs YouTube related support first visit youtube.com/activate. Follow these given instructions and simple methods to fix YouTube issues by your hand. Otherwise you facing issues with YouTube you can contact us, our professional expert team resolve your issues instantly.
    Read more…

    ReplyDelete
  17. Download today lottery result Bodoland Today Lottery Result result from our page. You can also able to access Sikkim State Lottery, from our website.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thanks for sharing information,QuickBooks Error Code C=3
    Are you stuck on QuickBooks Error Code C=3? This error occurs on your Mac.

    The reasons for this error can be:

    • Disrupted data files.
    • Corrupt QuickBooks file.
    • Low hard-disk space.

    For fixing this error:
    You need to free up space in your Mac, this can be done by selecting the file size and file extension in the Extension menu.
    And that’s it!! Your error is now fixed. For better assistance, you can call QBSsolved at +1(888) 910 1619.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Quickbooks error code 6189 is associated with the company file that usually appears when you try to access the company file. Error 6189 prevents you from using the company file in the Quickbooks.

    Causes :
    Missing .tlg files.
    Distorted company file.
    Using outdated Quickbooks version.

    ReplyDelete
  20. This is the time to swing into action. Keto Advanced Fat Burner was a talked about bargain. That represents true freedom to me. My time could be better spent by letting Keto Advanced Fat Burner go. That is straightforward folks.


    Keto Advanced Fat Burner

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hi there! This article could not be written much better! Reading through this article reminds me of my previous roommate! He continually kept preaching about this. I’ll forward this information to him. 바카라사이트

    ReplyDelete
  22. Great web site. A lot of useful information here. I’m sending it to several friends ans also sharing in delicious. And obviously, thanks in your effort! 바카라사이트

    ReplyDelete
  23. Thanks for sharing excellent informations. Your web site is very cool. I am impressed by the details that you’ve on this site. 바카라사이트

    ReplyDelete
  24. Assam Teer Results, Juwai Teer Result, Khanapara khana bharti result Shillong Teer Result, Shillong Teer khanapara teer khela result Morning Result, Shillong Teer Counter, Shillong Morning Teer Result, Shillong Teer Results, shillong teer counter result

    ReplyDelete
  25. I have gone through your wonderful and knowledgeable post...! I must say that one should read it and gather know-how from it.


    Common QuickBooks Errors


    QuickBooks Error 6073 and 99001


    QuickBooks Error OLSU 1024


    QuickBooks Error 1311


    QuickBooks Error 1935

    ReplyDelete
  26. Hey there this is kinda of off topic but I was wondering if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML. I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding experience so I wanted to get advice from someone with experience. Any help would be greatly appreciated!|
    오피월드

    ReplyDelete
  27. This article has a topic related to our loved ones. Therefore, the more we value them, the more value we will place in this article. Thank you for reading with this in mind.Click Here온라인경마


    1YAnGsKIE

    ReplyDelete
  28. Quickbooks Error code h202 is one such Error that is very normal and happens because of adequate reasons. In any case, normally a Quickbooks user sees a Quickbooks h202 error.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Good day, everyone. Alex Poter is a technical representative for the company. Some Quickbooks customers want to know how to access Quickbooks remotely. Transfer or install QuickBooks on a different computer. Create or access a corporate file stored on a distant server. From a distant computer, set up or access a business file.

    ReplyDelete
  30. One of the common error when user the find location of the company file should be a local drive and not on the external storage device.this article help to resolve QuickBooks error 6000,77 follow these step. or if want more information you can call our quickbooks team call at 888-XXX-XXXX

    ReplyDelete
  31. A major development, last year Cash App completed the trial of loan feature. As a result, a large number of Cash App users are allowed to borrow money from cash app.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I am very impressed with your writing크레이지슬롯 I couldn't think of this, but it's amazing! I wrote several posts similar to this one, but please come and see!


    ReplyDelete
  33. "I would like to thanks' for the efforts you have put in writing this blog. I’m hoping the same high-grade blog post from you in the upcoming also. Actually your creative writing abilities has encouraged me to get my own web site now. Actually the blogging is spreading its wings quickly. Your write up is a good example of it."

    야설
    오피헌터
    마사지블루
    건마탑
    카지노사이트존

    ReplyDelete
  34. For more information about them, contact their team atDelta Airlines support NumberThese are some important points regarding the foundation and fundamental operation of these airlines: • The Delta airline was founded in the august of 1998 while the flight operations commenced on the February of 2000.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I found out about this place after looking around several blogs. It s a great luck for me to know this place. 토토사이트

    ReplyDelete
  36. That s a good feeling about a good blog. I ll find out as I visit one by one. I think this kind of place will always be helpful. 먹튀보증업체

    ReplyDelete
  37. Natives are spiritual in nature, primarily due to the position of the sun in 12th house. · They are believers in goodness and karma.

    ReplyDelete
  38. In the process, players will need to consume a large amount of Diablo 2 Resurrected Items. For those players who don't have much time to play games, this is not a small number. Therefore I recommend MMOWTS to you.

    ReplyDelete

  39. Hi, I am Kandra John from New York, USA. I am a Cash App technical expert. We provide solutions to fix check cash app balance Problems. If you are worried due to Cash App issues, then you may contactthe Cash App Support team. They will guide you in a quiet manner.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Hey ! I'm alice beth, and I'm from california in the USA
    cebu pacific pet policy is intended to decide the standards of pet travel on cebu pacific air. The qualification of your pets, the kind of container they must be conveyed in, and the quantity of charges to be paid are undeniably referenced under this arrangement.

    ReplyDelete
  41. I got pregnant at the age of 48! After years of marriage without a child. God has proven himself by using Dr Nogokpo healing shrine to get me get pregnant after 12 years of trying and now my enemies have been mocked. No matter how long that you have waited, Your miracle is next and it will happen this year! Claim it.I recommend everyone I know struggling with infertility to Dr Nogokpo healing shrine!i.via email: ( nogokposh@gmail.com ) or Whats-app . ‪+‬ 233 24 095 7817‬

    ReplyDelete